i'd ask you how you are but i guess i already know. you're scared and confused, but optimistic. savour those last moments at school because you're going to miss it more than you imagine.
don't wish away the now, from the not yet.
you'll find yourself in a new place, new people, new friends, new teachers.
it'll be sure to terrify you.
your head will fill with new anxieties and worries, that'll play over and over and over.
they'll be weeks, months on end where you don't feel yourself. you'll be lost and confused, you'll re think your choices and find yourself questioning every tiny detail.
they'll be times where you'll feel like your whole world is crumbing around you and that gravity is working over time.
every ounce of anything you have left in you is being ripped apart.
ripped from you, through you, over you.
you'll find yourself repeatedly on the floor, contemplating how valuable it all really is.
you'll make mistakes and decisions you regret.
you'll develop bad habits and coping mechanisms, which in turn, just hurt you further.
everyones happier. everyones smarter. everyones prettier.
you give more time to people than you would ever give yourself.
you'll have your heart broken, loose some of your best friends and feel like nothing will ever go your way.
you forget how to eat and sleep, how to value yourself.
you can't make sense of anything and you find yourself in environment you no longer agree with. something in your head just switches off and you don't know why or how or when.
it just does.
you can't go to school without throwing up between lessons and can't sit with your friends without wanting to panic.
you'll feel like nothing you have to say is worth while,
you can't find the words to put everything together,
so instead- you say nothing.
you allow somebody to re build you in all the wrong ways
and you'll be sure to fall again,
even harder this time round.
you find comfort and dependence on those with wrong intentions,
and it'll hurt like hell to watch them break you,
but you allow them to do it anyway.
you invest your time into people who will never return it,
and it will crush you to realise this.
you cry in your best friends living room over somebody who doesn't matter,
argue with the people you care about and get caught up on peoples opinions of you.
you sit on a street corner listening to how much your friend hates themselves, how fucked up somebody feels or how broken their family life is. you tell them they don't need a boy who doesn't need them and how there will never be anyone good enough for them. you encourage somebody to push themselves and that they're capable of more than they can imagine. that they can finish their coursework or dye their hair or buy those shoes.
you'll find yourself surrounded by new people- who you won't fully appreciate to begin with, but you learn to.
they'll listen to you ramble on about cereal at 3 am and buy you wagon wheels when you're sad. they'll make you laugh until you cry and encourage you to drink way more than you can handle. they'll listen to you pour your heart out on the phone and make sure that you got home safely.
they'll make you feel loved and important.
they'll stick by you- no matter how much you push them away or try to shut them out.
you'll lay in the middle of the road at 2 am, run over hills in the pouring rain and watch the sunrise with your best friend. you'll go to your first festival, wander the streets after drinking too much and sit your exams. you'll go to pubs, parties and concerts. sing your little heart out, post more photos than socially acceptable and spend half your time on trains. spend weekends away, celebrate birthdays and listen to the same albums on repeat. play endless games of cards against humanity, make blanket forts and bake cakes.
you'll learn about peoples fears, insecurities and dreams. you value the time you spend with people. no matter how short that time is. you learn surrounding yourself with positive people, makes the air you breathe so much fresher. being open and honest with someone is is far more fulfilling. you'll realise that not everybody will have the same intentions as you do and to not waste your time on those who do not deserve it. you put your heart into everything you do and have time for absolutely anyone.
you're 18 now and as lost and as confused as ever,
you're sassy and sarcastic and you'll take no shit from anybody. but you have a good heart and you're constantly growing and learning. you worry too much, but you learn that its just a part of you. you care so much about the people around you and you would do anything to see them smile. you get far too attached, but will never hold a grudge against a person. no matter how much somebody has hurt you, you'll always have time for them if they need you.
you realise your worth isn't based upon on your instagram likes and your self love doesn't depend upon a number on a scale. you'll spend 9 hours straight watching your favourite tv show and eat the last slice of pizza. you'll receive your first A and your first E, but either way- you learn your grades do not define you. not everybody will like you, but you learn to be okay with that. you learn that sometimes you have to go against what everybody else thinks and that your parents aren't always right. you learn to trust people and that what you have to say is important.
you learn that nobody has a perfect way of thinking and sometimes life gets bumpy. you learn you're not a bad person for the ways you tried to kill your sadness and that sometimes you forget were all human.
you learn that what you give power to, has power over you.
but your'e happy. you're so so happy.
x
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